Today I have worked on processing thoughts, feelings, fears, questions.....from yesterdays visit. Funny how the same information shared from a year and a half ago still has the same sting. I have often thought of what it would feel like to hear the word "cancer" as a diagnosis for either of my parents. Even the thought of heart attack, stroke....All of the normal everyday things we all seem to know someone fighting against... But I have to tell you.... Dementia....Alzhiemers....just have to be the most horrific words....thoughts go crazy. Fear. Questions. Feelings....They are uncontrollable. What must it feel like...to a man... to hear those words? It's heart wrenching to watch and wonder.....how his soul must feel?? And then there's my mom. The one who has my whole life seemed so weak. She is strong. She is a warrior. Waiting to fight. In full armor. She's always ready. She has taken a new role. Not that Dad is any weaker....this has just made mom....become a new person.
I have had countless conversations with so many about not worrying about what tomorrow will bring. Oh how wonderful those scriptures are to rest in. We know that....Even though its hard....Its called..."Easy preaching, hard living". However...we sure want to live by them. More importantly than not worrying about tomorrow. We are living for today. We all know life is a precious gift. Like a vapor. Here today, gone tomorrow. I think too often we forget we will not live forever. We think this is eternity to the point of thinking we are invincible. But we are not...
Some may look...I sure have...at a diagnosis and think...so sad... and it is. But let me tell you who isn't. My dad! He told his Dr today that he was the happiest he has been in his entire life. We have no idea what the Lord will bring in his future. But we know what has been lived in his past. He helped create the most amazing memories for my sister and I along with mom. He has been the most romantic guy. The gifts he has given and surprised her with over the years would amaze you. I have no idea where he got the ideas. There was no way he could look at her pinterest boards. He journaled and wrote letters. I saved them all. He would leave notes and candy on mine and Jennifers pillows at night. He kept a journal the entire pregnancy while I carried Gabe, to Gabe. What an amazing gift that will be to him one day. It is precious. I could go on forever...The most important thing is....He has left nothing undone. So while I hear a Dr tell us of possibilities to come. I get mad. And angry. I feel cheated. All of which have left me heart broken today from pure selfishness. How selfish....Of what someone longs for in a father their whole life....I have had an abundance of. How selfish...I feel cheated of time.....when I have had so many years of wonderful memories. How selfish...Of worrying my boys will be cheated when they now have reached the ages that they will never forget. How selfish...that I want him here for my mom.....and shes so stinking spoiled rotten after all these years. ;) Years of which most live longing for just a portion of what they have shared.
I am thankful for perspective. And how the Lord can help focus on a path of faith even when you have no idea where its leading. That life is worth living for now. Its been life changing and freeing for that attitude over the past few years. Its not about waiting for life to happen... and then start living. Its not about waiting for retirement. Its not about waiting for the next promotion. Its not about waiting or rushing the kids to hit their next milestone. Its not about waiting for them to potty train...learn to read... learn to drive...Waiting.....Don't wait life away....because you just might not have time.....Be the best you can...at what your doing now. With who you love to do it with. If the Lord puts a stirring in your heart to chase another dream. Do it. You may have just enough time to pour into someone elses life....In areas you never dreamed of.
So when you see my dad... and mom....Know that they are happy. And blessed... Know that we are filled with so much joy and thankfulness that the Lord has given us so very much to be thankful for. And when you think about it...Live your life.....in the here and now. Be present. Be a difference maker in the lives around you. So that you will one day be able to say no matter what comes at you....There is not one thing you have to regret. I'm so proud to say my daddy lives like that. Everyday!
This is a song I have listened to a lot this week. This video made is beautiful. What a blessing to have both an earthly and Heavenly Father's unending love.
Britt Nicole Dont Worry Now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpXBmDWyQ_A
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